Wanted

Wanted sexy, confident and independent woman. Apply to this address oneloneyguy@lookingforsomeonespecial.com.

That used to be me once not so long ago but then I always seemed to get hurt and end up a miserable wreck and alone. So I'm now giving up on that imagine.

I'm starting to find myself returning to the person I was back in high school (I guess that's because she has much more sense than me), I no-longer seem to find the fit guys. I mean going out with the mates is when I notice it the most, they will turn around and say "wow did you see that guy he was really good looking?". To which my reply is usually "Na I didn't sorry". I also did something very stupid and sooo old me and that was the fact that I brought myself a packet of cigarettes, which I know may not sound like much but if you knew my family you would understand why it was such a big deal. To be honest I forgot how good it felt sometimes and I only smoke one when I really annoyed at myself and it really seems to help calm me down. Ye I know placebo effect.

But I really couldn't care which is another problem I seem to be giving up on myself I look in the mirror and I don't hate what I see and I don't like what I see, in fact I don't really feel anything. Its like I don't know that person any more the strong, confidence I once had is there no longer. Who know that this would be the resulting fact of having a 100% fail rating when it comes to guys.

But with the guy that I like at the moment is going to be so hard because not only is he in most of my lectures and stuff I have actually liked him for a long time I was just not able to do anything about it. But as soon as I did and ever thing was going great and I started to like him more he tells me that he is actual still in love with his ex etc and that he hopes it doesn't affect our friendship. I so want to tell how I really feel about all of this but I keep getting told by my non-bio sis that doing that is not a very good idea. Oh well just another fail for the record.

Although I am hoping that it will all be over by the 8th at midnight as its a new moon and I am going to perform a ritual which will help me to get some clarity. Well that is if I can be brave enough to go through with it.

So the only thing I can look forward to is going back to uni and starting the work load again. My dissociation is starting to look good I've done loads of research and I have to start writing out methodologies for my process. That's about it really oh and my sisters wedding which I am looking forward to but at the same time I'm not because it will remind me of how alone I really am.

Well that's enough TTFN people