OK so its now 2011 and yes I know I'm getting this down early but hey it's been a while since I wrote a blog as per usual.
So 2010 what can I say it was a good year, ye maybe not that good because I have been batterly with depression for some time but hey I started to finaly do something about it, and on the 10th of january I have my 3rd session of councilloring, so far it has been very hard but I expected nothing less. I have also decided to talk about something that I find rather hard to take about and hope that my councillor will have some advice or guidence about how to go about it.
I have also had my heart broken yet agian the 1st time I was able to get over and yet the second because I actualy realy liked this person and have for some time seems to be more hard, but that not important.
So to 2011 there are no new years revolutions for me, just to continue as I have been doing compete my 5 exmas in januray 11th for my degree and focus on my getting the best I can.
So if anything good happens no doubt it shall be on here.
ttfn
Friday, 31 December 2010
Friday, 26 November 2010
Future Plans
OK so my 1st session with the councillor went rather well, so well that that I have to go back on the 29th October. As much as I'm not really looking forward to it, I'm sure it will be very helpful.
When I was there we touched upon the issues with my dad which I knew would come up and as much I do not like talking about it, there are many issues which will need to be solved. Also we touched upon the fact that I was upset by a relationship or perhaps lack of. Even though I have been on my own for so long and have not really known anything else, the councillor said that maybe deep down inside I do feel lonely. I can understand this but there is no point in looking for something when there is no way its going to happen. So I shall have to see how my next session goes.
So over the past couple of days I have been thinking about how I have not really done anything that I wish to do. However I have decided to take some action upon this and create a list of things to do.
The 1st thing is to order some tickets to go see skindred as they are totally amazing, Even if I have to go by myself I will do this
2. I have always wanted to go see the northern lights, thus I have been looking into different packages to allow me to go view them.
3. I have also been looking at packages to go to New Zealand, the only thing that I scares me is how much they cost. Guess I will have to start saving up again.
The only flaw with looking at these types of holidays is that I feel I will be going alone. It would be nice to go with someone, yet I do know that is never going to happen. So in order to bring back the old me I am going to have to start doing things that I want to do by myself.
These are just a few ideas I have just hoping they will actual come to something.
Until next time.
When I was there we touched upon the issues with my dad which I knew would come up and as much I do not like talking about it, there are many issues which will need to be solved. Also we touched upon the fact that I was upset by a relationship or perhaps lack of. Even though I have been on my own for so long and have not really known anything else, the councillor said that maybe deep down inside I do feel lonely. I can understand this but there is no point in looking for something when there is no way its going to happen. So I shall have to see how my next session goes.
So over the past couple of days I have been thinking about how I have not really done anything that I wish to do. However I have decided to take some action upon this and create a list of things to do.
The 1st thing is to order some tickets to go see skindred as they are totally amazing, Even if I have to go by myself I will do this
2. I have always wanted to go see the northern lights, thus I have been looking into different packages to allow me to go view them.
3. I have also been looking at packages to go to New Zealand, the only thing that I scares me is how much they cost. Guess I will have to start saving up again.
The only flaw with looking at these types of holidays is that I feel I will be going alone. It would be nice to go with someone, yet I do know that is never going to happen. So in order to bring back the old me I am going to have to start doing things that I want to do by myself.
These are just a few ideas I have just hoping they will actual come to something.
Until next time.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Life is meh
OK so it has been ages since I last blogged but hey what's new. Any way it's now November. October was an OK month, the only really thing that was good about it was that my sister finally got married to Paul and I have to say it was an amazing day. Jenny got ready at my mams house which of course was to be expected. We all (Jen, mam, Sue, Sarah and myself) all had our nails done and than it was on to get our hair done. It was rather ace we all had curly hair, it looked totally amazing.
Than it was on to the make up and putting on the dresses. The last person to get ready was of course Jenny it was odd it seemed a rush at the end to get her dress on and to make sure that everything else was ready. My dad came round to take my sister and I have to say he looked rather smart in his suite. Then when my sister came down the stairs she got an amazing surprise because my mam had booked her a car and it was rather nice I must say. She was like "O.M.G what's that car?". It was really sweet because she kept on saying don't make me cry I don't won't to ruin my make up.
Then it was off to the hotel where they were getting married. Once we were there we meet the flower girls and they looked amazing. Then we entered the room with the flower girls first and they were so wonderful they didn't rush, followed by me and than Sarah and Sue and finally Jenny and Dad. The service was amazing there was no mush and it was nice and simple. The best part was that Paul and Jenny looked amazing together.
After that it was on to have loads of photos taken which was very annoying because I hate having my photo taken, but granted there were some nice photos taken. Then it was on to the after meal where the speeches were made. My dads speech was short and very sweet. This was than followed by Paul and his speech was lovely. He even got slightly emotional which is lovely to see that he isn't afraid to showing his emotions. Then Neil (my new brother-in-law) made his speech and it was rather funny and gave a few things away about Paul that's always good.
Then it came to my turn and I have to say that I messed it up I let my emotions get hold of me. Than some one said throw your speech away, which is what I ended up doing. I screwed it up and threw it over my shoulder and just basically said what I had written down and everyone seemed to really like it. They all said that I was very brave and that it really did come from the heart so that made me feel really ace.
But of course you can't have a wedding without a bit of drama and that came from the one the only man that I call father. He ended up collapsing on the floor. Me mam and some other people seemed to disappear for ages. Then through out the night people kept coming up to me and asking if I was alright and I was like "ye, its not the first time he's done this and it won't be the last", OK so may be I didn't say it out loud. Then the next day I found out that he was taken to hospital and he ended up checking himself out why am I not surprised.
Anyway other than that it was an awsome night all around and I am sure that Jenny and Paul will last for ages.
So I have also been working really hard on my dissertation. However the techniques that I am using and the swabs are causing interference so I am having to looked at new swabs and different techniques to see which ones work best. Oh the joys more work to do.
However deep inside I am no longer copying and I decided to do something about it finally and I went to see the doctor on Tuesday and he said that I need to see a councillor so I have booked my appointment for Monday so not looking forward to it. I also went to see my tutor Alison and she helped me to break everything down and into bullet points giving each one a time line. From this I have now sorted out all my work load and Hopefully this will be a sign that I can get back on track to how I used to me.
Anyway I think that's it for now. I will no-doubt inform you about how I get on even if it is to help myself in order to help make everything clearer.
Until next time =)
Than it was on to the make up and putting on the dresses. The last person to get ready was of course Jenny it was odd it seemed a rush at the end to get her dress on and to make sure that everything else was ready. My dad came round to take my sister and I have to say he looked rather smart in his suite. Then when my sister came down the stairs she got an amazing surprise because my mam had booked her a car and it was rather nice I must say. She was like "O.M.G what's that car?". It was really sweet because she kept on saying don't make me cry I don't won't to ruin my make up.
Then it was off to the hotel where they were getting married. Once we were there we meet the flower girls and they looked amazing. Then we entered the room with the flower girls first and they were so wonderful they didn't rush, followed by me and than Sarah and Sue and finally Jenny and Dad. The service was amazing there was no mush and it was nice and simple. The best part was that Paul and Jenny looked amazing together.
After that it was on to have loads of photos taken which was very annoying because I hate having my photo taken, but granted there were some nice photos taken. Then it was on to the after meal where the speeches were made. My dads speech was short and very sweet. This was than followed by Paul and his speech was lovely. He even got slightly emotional which is lovely to see that he isn't afraid to showing his emotions. Then Neil (my new brother-in-law) made his speech and it was rather funny and gave a few things away about Paul that's always good.
Then it came to my turn and I have to say that I messed it up I let my emotions get hold of me. Than some one said throw your speech away, which is what I ended up doing. I screwed it up and threw it over my shoulder and just basically said what I had written down and everyone seemed to really like it. They all said that I was very brave and that it really did come from the heart so that made me feel really ace.
But of course you can't have a wedding without a bit of drama and that came from the one the only man that I call father. He ended up collapsing on the floor. Me mam and some other people seemed to disappear for ages. Then through out the night people kept coming up to me and asking if I was alright and I was like "ye, its not the first time he's done this and it won't be the last", OK so may be I didn't say it out loud. Then the next day I found out that he was taken to hospital and he ended up checking himself out why am I not surprised.
Anyway other than that it was an awsome night all around and I am sure that Jenny and Paul will last for ages.
So I have also been working really hard on my dissertation. However the techniques that I am using and the swabs are causing interference so I am having to looked at new swabs and different techniques to see which ones work best. Oh the joys more work to do.
However deep inside I am no longer copying and I decided to do something about it finally and I went to see the doctor on Tuesday and he said that I need to see a councillor so I have booked my appointment for Monday so not looking forward to it. I also went to see my tutor Alison and she helped me to break everything down and into bullet points giving each one a time line. From this I have now sorted out all my work load and Hopefully this will be a sign that I can get back on track to how I used to me.
Anyway I think that's it for now. I will no-doubt inform you about how I get on even if it is to help myself in order to help make everything clearer.
Until next time =)
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Wanted
Wanted sexy, confident and independent woman. Apply to this address oneloneyguy@lookingforsomeonespecial.com.
That used to be me once not so long ago but then I always seemed to get hurt and end up a miserable wreck and alone. So I'm now giving up on that imagine.
I'm starting to find myself returning to the person I was back in high school (I guess that's because she has much more sense than me), I no-longer seem to find the fit guys. I mean going out with the mates is when I notice it the most, they will turn around and say "wow did you see that guy he was really good looking?". To which my reply is usually "Na I didn't sorry". I also did something very stupid and sooo old me and that was the fact that I brought myself a packet of cigarettes, which I know may not sound like much but if you knew my family you would understand why it was such a big deal. To be honest I forgot how good it felt sometimes and I only smoke one when I really annoyed at myself and it really seems to help calm me down. Ye I know placebo effect.
But I really couldn't care which is another problem I seem to be giving up on myself I look in the mirror and I don't hate what I see and I don't like what I see, in fact I don't really feel anything. Its like I don't know that person any more the strong, confidence I once had is there no longer. Who know that this would be the resulting fact of having a 100% fail rating when it comes to guys.
But with the guy that I like at the moment is going to be so hard because not only is he in most of my lectures and stuff I have actually liked him for a long time I was just not able to do anything about it. But as soon as I did and ever thing was going great and I started to like him more he tells me that he is actual still in love with his ex etc and that he hopes it doesn't affect our friendship. I so want to tell how I really feel about all of this but I keep getting told by my non-bio sis that doing that is not a very good idea. Oh well just another fail for the record.
Although I am hoping that it will all be over by the 8th at midnight as its a new moon and I am going to perform a ritual which will help me to get some clarity. Well that is if I can be brave enough to go through with it.
So the only thing I can look forward to is going back to uni and starting the work load again. My dissociation is starting to look good I've done loads of research and I have to start writing out methodologies for my process. That's about it really oh and my sisters wedding which I am looking forward to but at the same time I'm not because it will remind me of how alone I really am.
Well that's enough TTFN people
That used to be me once not so long ago but then I always seemed to get hurt and end up a miserable wreck and alone. So I'm now giving up on that imagine.
I'm starting to find myself returning to the person I was back in high school (I guess that's because she has much more sense than me), I no-longer seem to find the fit guys. I mean going out with the mates is when I notice it the most, they will turn around and say "wow did you see that guy he was really good looking?". To which my reply is usually "Na I didn't sorry". I also did something very stupid and sooo old me and that was the fact that I brought myself a packet of cigarettes, which I know may not sound like much but if you knew my family you would understand why it was such a big deal. To be honest I forgot how good it felt sometimes and I only smoke one when I really annoyed at myself and it really seems to help calm me down. Ye I know placebo effect.
But I really couldn't care which is another problem I seem to be giving up on myself I look in the mirror and I don't hate what I see and I don't like what I see, in fact I don't really feel anything. Its like I don't know that person any more the strong, confidence I once had is there no longer. Who know that this would be the resulting fact of having a 100% fail rating when it comes to guys.
But with the guy that I like at the moment is going to be so hard because not only is he in most of my lectures and stuff I have actually liked him for a long time I was just not able to do anything about it. But as soon as I did and ever thing was going great and I started to like him more he tells me that he is actual still in love with his ex etc and that he hopes it doesn't affect our friendship. I so want to tell how I really feel about all of this but I keep getting told by my non-bio sis that doing that is not a very good idea. Oh well just another fail for the record.
Although I am hoping that it will all be over by the 8th at midnight as its a new moon and I am going to perform a ritual which will help me to get some clarity. Well that is if I can be brave enough to go through with it.
So the only thing I can look forward to is going back to uni and starting the work load again. My dissociation is starting to look good I've done loads of research and I have to start writing out methodologies for my process. That's about it really oh and my sisters wedding which I am looking forward to but at the same time I'm not because it will remind me of how alone I really am.
Well that's enough TTFN people
Thursday, 26 August 2010
New term
OK so my summer holidays are Nealy over and I've moved into my house for uni. My friend Cat moved in before me and she has been living here for over a week so has had only a few problems and she has said that she is glad that I have turned up because the house has been a little scary. Bless her. There is only one person left to move in and that is Millie but have no idea when she will be moving in as she is walking hard back home.
So from here I'm supposed to be doing my dissertation and so far I've not really done that much so I shall be spending most of my time trying to read more articles and figure out which type of techniques and stuff I will need to use. Oh the joys of being a student. But this year one thing that will be different is that I will no longer be looking for that special someone because every time I try and I think I may have found someone it goes great for a few months but than it always seems to end up the same with me being told that there is someone else. OK so that may be an over statement but hey that's how I feel. But there may a time when I find myself eating my own words but hey only time will tell as it always does.
So my holiday has been great so far I got to drive a tractor again which is always fun and my reversing with a trailer has improved which is a big plus. I have also spent so much time doing random jobs for my family which has helped to keep me busy and not have gone mad from having nothing to do. I just wish we could have had more sunshine but hey I guess you can't always get what you want. But I bet that as soon as we go back to uni the sun will start to shine again. Oh well some sun is better than no sun.
So that's all I can think of to say at the moment so when ever I get chance I shall write again
So from here I'm supposed to be doing my dissertation and so far I've not really done that much so I shall be spending most of my time trying to read more articles and figure out which type of techniques and stuff I will need to use. Oh the joys of being a student. But this year one thing that will be different is that I will no longer be looking for that special someone because every time I try and I think I may have found someone it goes great for a few months but than it always seems to end up the same with me being told that there is someone else. OK so that may be an over statement but hey that's how I feel. But there may a time when I find myself eating my own words but hey only time will tell as it always does.
So my holiday has been great so far I got to drive a tractor again which is always fun and my reversing with a trailer has improved which is a big plus. I have also spent so much time doing random jobs for my family which has helped to keep me busy and not have gone mad from having nothing to do. I just wish we could have had more sunshine but hey I guess you can't always get what you want. But I bet that as soon as we go back to uni the sun will start to shine again. Oh well some sun is better than no sun.
So that's all I can think of to say at the moment so when ever I get chance I shall write again
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
It's broken and I'm not sure how to fix it
OK I'm here again it has been ages since I last wrote anything but that's what happens when I get busy I always tend to forget to write stuff down. Oh well no harm done really seeing how not many people read what I have written. This is just a way to get down everything I feel and it is always a great help.
OK so looking back the last blog I wrote has been kinda wrong. I am feeling myself but there is something in me that is still not write and I have no idea what that is. I mean since January I have been so down and I seem to be down more than I am up and to all the people who really know me this is totally out of character. I thought that it might be the stress of uni but I found out that I have passed my second year and the feeling has not gone away. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I haven't got the marks I was hopping for. Which kinda sucks as I really worked hard over them and now I'm starting to think that after 3 years of this course maybe I'm just not meant to do it any more and it hurts even more when I find out that people who have put less effort into their work seem to be getting higher marks then me. My cousin thinks I should go and talk to my tutors to see where I'm going wrong which is what I plan on doing.
I also think I'm giving up because everything I seem to do no longer works out and now I'm starting to think there is no reason to put any effort in because I already now what the out come is going to be. I mean the only real dream I have is to go and live in New Zealand when I have a couple of years experience but I can now see that perhaps that is all it's going to be a dream. People always say that if you really want something than you should fight for it, but I'm so feed up and tried of fighting for the things I want and getting nothing. Then I look around at other people and they don't seem to have any problem getting the things that they want. I know you should never compare yourself to other people because everyone is different but at the moment that is what I am doing.
I guess I am the only person who can answer all of my problems and all I can do is keep fighting no matter how tired I am because this job along with other things are things that I really want and if I fail I will just have to pick myself up and keep going. I am after all an optimist not that you would know by the way I've been writing lately.
So cheerio for now people =)
OK so looking back the last blog I wrote has been kinda wrong. I am feeling myself but there is something in me that is still not write and I have no idea what that is. I mean since January I have been so down and I seem to be down more than I am up and to all the people who really know me this is totally out of character. I thought that it might be the stress of uni but I found out that I have passed my second year and the feeling has not gone away. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I haven't got the marks I was hopping for. Which kinda sucks as I really worked hard over them and now I'm starting to think that after 3 years of this course maybe I'm just not meant to do it any more and it hurts even more when I find out that people who have put less effort into their work seem to be getting higher marks then me. My cousin thinks I should go and talk to my tutors to see where I'm going wrong which is what I plan on doing.
I also think I'm giving up because everything I seem to do no longer works out and now I'm starting to think there is no reason to put any effort in because I already now what the out come is going to be. I mean the only real dream I have is to go and live in New Zealand when I have a couple of years experience but I can now see that perhaps that is all it's going to be a dream. People always say that if you really want something than you should fight for it, but I'm so feed up and tried of fighting for the things I want and getting nothing. Then I look around at other people and they don't seem to have any problem getting the things that they want. I know you should never compare yourself to other people because everyone is different but at the moment that is what I am doing.
I guess I am the only person who can answer all of my problems and all I can do is keep fighting no matter how tired I am because this job along with other things are things that I really want and if I fail I will just have to pick myself up and keep going. I am after all an optimist not that you would know by the way I've been writing lately.
So cheerio for now people =)
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
Starting to become "normal"
OK so it's been a while since I last wrote on here, but I guess that's what happens when you get snowed under with uni work and exams. Well the good news is that I have now finished my second year of uni whoop, well actual that may all depend on what I get in my exams and whether I have to do any resits in August but I'm not going to think of that right now. Plus I say that I've finished I have to start researching for my dissertation which means some uni work to do over the summer oh the joys, but the best thing about this is that I got to choose my subject which means that it is something I'm actually interested in, which is great.
Anyway not a lot has happened since, a very boring life I lead lol, hmm ye maybe not that dull. But one of the best things that has happened is that I am starting to feel like myself again after the crappy start to the year I had. I started to notice the change around the end of March and I find it much more easier to act like myself without being a compete emotional wreak which is epic.
So I guess I do have to say a big thanks to all my friends, those here at uni and those who are still at home for putting up with the very bad mood and everything else that went along with it. I don't think I would have been able to pick myself up as fast as I had without you guys. =)
Hopefully the rest of this year will be better than the beginning I mean since April we have had 2 births in the family both lovely girls all doing well which is great. Then my cousin is getting married in July and then my sister in October so hopefully it will all go really well. All though I'm not a big fan of weddings to much muss for me but they are usually happy days and a great why to see family members again, ha guess that's what happens when you have such a large family and they live all over the place.
So I guess I must at least attempt to start some work today maybe even do my load of washing that I have to do, then it's off out tonight for a mates birthday whoop fun times ahead.
Write to you all soon =)
Anyway not a lot has happened since, a very boring life I lead lol, hmm ye maybe not that dull. But one of the best things that has happened is that I am starting to feel like myself again after the crappy start to the year I had. I started to notice the change around the end of March and I find it much more easier to act like myself without being a compete emotional wreak which is epic.
So I guess I do have to say a big thanks to all my friends, those here at uni and those who are still at home for putting up with the very bad mood and everything else that went along with it. I don't think I would have been able to pick myself up as fast as I had without you guys. =)
Hopefully the rest of this year will be better than the beginning I mean since April we have had 2 births in the family both lovely girls all doing well which is great. Then my cousin is getting married in July and then my sister in October so hopefully it will all go really well. All though I'm not a big fan of weddings to much muss for me but they are usually happy days and a great why to see family members again, ha guess that's what happens when you have such a large family and they live all over the place.
So I guess I must at least attempt to start some work today maybe even do my load of washing that I have to do, then it's off out tonight for a mates birthday whoop fun times ahead.
Write to you all soon =)
Monday, 8 March 2010
L.O.V.E
Love what is it all about? When you talk to different people they all have a different view of what is meant by this word and yet the one thing that many people will say is that you know the feeling when you have it, ye like that's helpful. I guess you can also love different people for different reasons which makes trying to understand it that bit more harder.
There are also so many different kinds of people out there. There are those who will use the word love so easily and then there are those like myself who do not. I mean I have trouble saying it to the closest of my friends and to even say it to them means that I have a great respect for them and I would never do anything to hurt them and I am very willing to do anything for them, but how do I know if they would do the same? I guess I don't. Still I can't help but feel that the reason I don't say it easily is because I'm not good at showing or sharing my feeling. Meh but that's just me I guess.
I also found out tonight why so many woman watch chick-flicks, which is kinda odd because the film I watched wasn't really much of a chick-flick but it did have certain mushy elements to it which could have been associated with a chick-flick. The film was "The diary of a crazy black woman" and sitting watching it made me think of the person I still have feeling for. Its crazy I mean in films, songs and on TV they portray love as being this easily found and kept thing, when really it appears to be very heard to find and keep.
I guess the feeling of absolute happiness is true and being together is so much fun and when they are no longer around they tend to be the only person on our minds whether it be during the day or at night. So what happens when it goes away no one really tends to say how you should feel or how long it takes to get over something like this.
Maybe I am being completely stupid and maybe the way I'm feeling right now isn't really. But the thing that I do know is when I was around a certain person I felt safe and I couldn't help but think that we fitted together really well and he always made me laugh and I could easily be my weird self around him, but perhaps I was imagining it yet again. Than I find out that he's is leaving and than I felt like my world had collapsed and the pain which came with it was something that I have never felt before. It feels like someone has taken a large part of my soul or even my heart as there is this massive whole there.
Now I have so many of my Friends telling me to forget about him and that the way I was feeling was nothing more than a crush. Perhaps they are right but how are we supposed to know. They are also trying to get me to see this guy but at this moment in time I really don't want to which they find hard to accept. I mean at the moment I feel broken and I need to get over this guy fully but I'm not sure how long that is going to take and I really don't want to do anything because I really don't want to hurt this guy as he is a friend.
So that's my rant of how I'm feeling right now, I guess in either a couple of months or years I may look back at this and think what the hell, but I guess only time will tell. So here is a quote of how I am feeling plus I think it's rather a good song.
"And now I'm shattered, from the chip in my heart, kept taking it till it broke. Oh how it hurts, felt it slipped from your hands, hit the ground and now it's shattered. I'm so shattered"
There are also so many different kinds of people out there. There are those who will use the word love so easily and then there are those like myself who do not. I mean I have trouble saying it to the closest of my friends and to even say it to them means that I have a great respect for them and I would never do anything to hurt them and I am very willing to do anything for them, but how do I know if they would do the same? I guess I don't. Still I can't help but feel that the reason I don't say it easily is because I'm not good at showing or sharing my feeling. Meh but that's just me I guess.
I also found out tonight why so many woman watch chick-flicks, which is kinda odd because the film I watched wasn't really much of a chick-flick but it did have certain mushy elements to it which could have been associated with a chick-flick. The film was "The diary of a crazy black woman" and sitting watching it made me think of the person I still have feeling for. Its crazy I mean in films, songs and on TV they portray love as being this easily found and kept thing, when really it appears to be very heard to find and keep.
I guess the feeling of absolute happiness is true and being together is so much fun and when they are no longer around they tend to be the only person on our minds whether it be during the day or at night. So what happens when it goes away no one really tends to say how you should feel or how long it takes to get over something like this.
Maybe I am being completely stupid and maybe the way I'm feeling right now isn't really. But the thing that I do know is when I was around a certain person I felt safe and I couldn't help but think that we fitted together really well and he always made me laugh and I could easily be my weird self around him, but perhaps I was imagining it yet again. Than I find out that he's is leaving and than I felt like my world had collapsed and the pain which came with it was something that I have never felt before. It feels like someone has taken a large part of my soul or even my heart as there is this massive whole there.
Now I have so many of my Friends telling me to forget about him and that the way I was feeling was nothing more than a crush. Perhaps they are right but how are we supposed to know. They are also trying to get me to see this guy but at this moment in time I really don't want to which they find hard to accept. I mean at the moment I feel broken and I need to get over this guy fully but I'm not sure how long that is going to take and I really don't want to do anything because I really don't want to hurt this guy as he is a friend.
So that's my rant of how I'm feeling right now, I guess in either a couple of months or years I may look back at this and think what the hell, but I guess only time will tell. So here is a quote of how I am feeling plus I think it's rather a good song.
"And now I'm shattered, from the chip in my heart, kept taking it till it broke. Oh how it hurts, felt it slipped from your hands, hit the ground and now it's shattered. I'm so shattered"
Friday, 12 February 2010
New Year no new me
Ok so its now February and I have to say that my year has started out rather crapply, but I guess I never expected anything else because when ever I seem to have a couple of moments of great happiness they are always followed by more pain and sadness.
I mean I had 3 exams in January and so far I have failed 2, which ok I was kinda injuired and was unable to use my shoulder but still fails makes me feel like i didn't do much, which is a complete lie. Sometimes I feel that failing is the only thing I'm good and consistant at, meh I guess only time will be able to tell on that one.
I also believe that how I am feeling at the moment also plays an important part in the way I am viewing my life. I mean my whole family and freinds have noticed that there is something wrong with me and I know that they are right becuase I'm usually a very cheery person but for the past couple of months I don't really feel much cheer anymore and I really don't like this feeling it's just not me. I think I know the reason as to why I'm like this and I say it's not when everyone asks me because I don't want them to know the true reason behind it because it kinda goes against everything I used to stand for (funny how that always works isn't it?), also I know there is nothing anyone can do because I have to sort it out myslef, as JLS say you only get one shot, (damn did I just quote that,oh well it fits). So that is what I intend to do, the next time I get the chance, even thought I'm sure I already know the answer becuase it has always been the same answer, I have to say something so that I truely know and can than hopefully start being me again.
I guess I will have to see.
I mean I had 3 exams in January and so far I have failed 2, which ok I was kinda injuired and was unable to use my shoulder but still fails makes me feel like i didn't do much, which is a complete lie. Sometimes I feel that failing is the only thing I'm good and consistant at, meh I guess only time will be able to tell on that one.
I also believe that how I am feeling at the moment also plays an important part in the way I am viewing my life. I mean my whole family and freinds have noticed that there is something wrong with me and I know that they are right becuase I'm usually a very cheery person but for the past couple of months I don't really feel much cheer anymore and I really don't like this feeling it's just not me. I think I know the reason as to why I'm like this and I say it's not when everyone asks me because I don't want them to know the true reason behind it because it kinda goes against everything I used to stand for (funny how that always works isn't it?), also I know there is nothing anyone can do because I have to sort it out myslef, as JLS say you only get one shot, (damn did I just quote that,oh well it fits). So that is what I intend to do, the next time I get the chance, even thought I'm sure I already know the answer becuase it has always been the same answer, I have to say something so that I truely know and can than hopefully start being me again.
I guess I will have to see.
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